Your Student Life: Roommates and Conflict without Drama

October 28, 2025

Sharing a space with a roommate isn’t always easy. Whether it’s different sleep schedules, cleanliness habits or communication styles, tension can build up fast if concerns aren’t addressed. 

Avoiding conflict might feel easier in the moment, but over time it can lead to resentment and stress. Here are some practical tips to help you navigate roommate issues in a healthy way: 

1. Identify the Problem 

Start by clearly defining what’s bothering you. It could be something simple like, “My roommate makes noise late at night and it keeps me awake.” Or maybe you have a few concerns—writing them down can help you organize your thoughts. 

2. Think Through Solutions 

Break this into two parts: 

• What’s your ideal solution? (e.g., your roommate never makes noise at night) 

• What’s a realistic solution? (e.g., no loud noise after 11 p.m., using earplugs or agreeing on quiet hours) 

Sometimes we get stuck on the perfect fix and overlook practical compromises that could work just as well. 

3. Communicate Clearly 

Use “I” statements to express how you feel without blaming. For example: 

“I feel frustrated when you talk on the phone late at night because it makes it hard for me to sleep.” 

Be specific about the behavior, not the person. Offer solutions and be open to hearing their perspective. Remember, being assertive is not the same as being confrontational—you're advocating for your needs, not starting a fight. 

Want more help with communication? Check out DEAR MAN, a skill from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) that offers step-by-step guidance for effective conversations. See more on that with a description of the approach below.

4. Get Support When You Need It 

If things aren’t improving, don’t hesitate to ask for help. Talk to your RA, a trusted friend or a family member. Ohio State also offers free mediation services for students. And if you want to talk things through confidentially, you can schedule a Let’s Talk appointment with Counseling and Consultation Service. 

DBT in Action: Using DEAR MAN with a Roommate 

If you’ve ever struggled to bring up a concern or make a request without causing tension, you’re not alone. One helpful tool from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is the acronym DEAR MAN, designed to support healthy and assertive communication in all types of relationships. 

DEAR MAN is especially useful when you need to ask for something and worry the other person might push back. While we can’t control how someone responds, we can present our concerns in a way that’s clear, respectful, and more likely to be heard without triggering defensiveness. 

To make this skill more relatable, here’s a concrete example of how you might use DEAR MAN with a roommate: 

D – Describe 

State the facts objectively. 

“Hey, I’ve noticed that since we moved in, I’ve usually been the one cleaning the bathroom.” 

E – Express 

Share how you feel using “I” statements. 

“I feel overwhelmed when the bathroom gets messy and I end up cleaning it alone.” 

A – Assert 

Clearly state what you need or want. 

“I’d like us to come up with a cleaning schedule so we can take turns and make sure chores are shared fairly.” 

R – Reinforce 

Explain how this benefits them or your relationship. 

“I think having a schedule will help us avoid frustration. I’d really appreciate it if you’re open to working on one with me this week.” 

M – Mindfulness 

Stay focused on your goal. 
This conversation is about bathroom cleaning—not about their loud music or dishes in the sink. Save those topics for another time to avoid derailing the discussion. 

A – Appear Confident 

Present yourself with confidence. 
This might mean making eye contact, using a steady tone or standing tall. For others, it could mean sending a well-thought-out message or practicing what you’ll say beforehand. Confidence doesn’t mean being aggressive—it means being direct and respectful. 

N – Negotiate 

Be open to compromise. 

“Oh, I didn’t realize you really hate cleaning the shower—I actually don’t mind that part. My least favorite chore is taking out the trash. How about I handle the shower on your cleaning weeks if you take care of the trash? Does that sound fair?” 

If you find assertive communication challenging, you’re not alone. Many people struggle to express their needs. Talking with a counselor can be a great way to build confidence and practice these skills in a supportive environment. 

Counseling and Consultation Service
Office of Student Life